After a few minutes of confusion on both our parts, she realized that William Golding’s creepers were long, twisty jungle vines, and I realized that “crepeer” to these students meant someone on Facebook who trolls through other people’s status updates but never posts their own; someone who constantly watches but never speaks.
We moved quickly on to the more important stuff (Symbolism! The conch shell! Piggy’s glasses!) but their definition, and subsequent derisive and scornful tone, lodged an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach – what I describe to my 5-year-old son as his “uh-oh feeling” (which, I have told him, he should always listen to, especially when the neighborhood children want to go bushwhacking through the forest to find a friend’s house who presumably lives “that way”).
For many years I have considered myself a happy person. Not so much the past few months. After a painful divorce (are these things ever painless?), I’ve been struggling to maintain a sense of normalcy for my son and my 2-year-old daughter while trying to figure out what really makes me happy.
I find myself looking almost desperately at the world around me, searching other people’s lives, scrutinizing them, wondering what it actually means to be happy. Last Halloween, as the children and I were making our way through the neighborhood streets in the deepening dusk, I watched as lights began to come on in the houses around us. I found myself peering in (see, this is creepy) as people went about their daily lives, making dinner, watching TV. As I watched each tiny pinprick of a moment, I found myself wondering if these people were happy. I watched and absorbed details as we passed.
I want that kind of window into the lives of people around me. I want to ask my girlfriends and my two sisters: What is your marriage like? Are you happy? For some reason, it always feels hard to have an honest conversation, as if each of us is putting up some kind of facade, so that we might at least seem happy to everyone else. Having children seems to exacerbate this. “Oh yes, I’m fine,” we reassure one another. Pause. “Oh, little Johnny did the funniest thing the other night…” and we move on to safer waters.
Why is it so hard to have honest conversations about things that really matter? Not politics or books or current events – those things are easy to talk about. It’s our own vulnerabilities that get stuck on our tongues. Is this true just for me?
by Amy Lawton, NY Times | Read more:
Illustration: Edward Hopper, Night Windows via: