Setting Limits is One Thing, But. . .
Life without control in some form would create havoc. Rigid control procedures are essential in such areas as science, medicine, and manufacturing, which require high degrees of efficiency and safety. Most societal and institutional forms of control -- laws, regulations, procedures, and the like -- are also important for our overall well-being and safety. Similarly, in interpersonal settings such as the workplace, the home, and the classroom, appropriate levels of control are necessary to assure productivity, education, and safety.
Most of us, however, feel the pressure to control all aspects of our lives. We take for granted that that's what we should be doing -- what we must be doing to survive. This goes beyond setting limits and standards, and often we don't even realize how far beyond we take it. How often do we stop to question how our compulsion to control may be harming us, whether at home with our children and family, at work, in our friendships, or in our leisure activities?
Young or old, male or female, rich or poor, teacher or preacher -- we all have the compulsion to control. Control is a deeply ingrained part of our human condition. Indeed, it underlies the entire fabric of society. Our workplaces are hotbeds for control as the "survival of the fittest" is played out through intimidation, deception, and the drive to get ahead at all costs. On the world stage, powerful nations control by imposing their values and forms of government on weaker nations. And, of course, war is all about control.
Social institutions of all kinds try to control. Religion is controlling when it tells us what and how we should believe, lest dire consequences come our way. The political arena is rife with control strategies. Misinformation about candidates is broadly disseminated to discredit them and change voters' minds. High-stakes bartering is employed to force through partisan legislation. On the home front, we control our partners and family by telling them what they should do and criticizing their choices. We control our friends by trying to change them. We even control in love by lavishing gifts and doling out kind words to court favor, crying to churn a lover's heart, pushing "hot buttons" to punish, and calculating when and how to bring sexual pleasure to our mate.
The means of control are diverse. When we press our views or wheedle or pout to get favored treatment, we are controlling. When we judge, intimidate, and raise our voices, we are controlling. When we lay a guilt trip on others, we are controlling. We control physically as well: we shove to get a better place in line, spank to discipline, flash our eyes and clench our fists to unnerve.
But controlling conduct is not always assertive or overt. It is often subtle or seemingly passive. We do it when we repeat a suggestion or express our views more than once, when we prod, cajole, or advise, and when we withdraw from loved ones or play the victim or martyr. In fact, most actions we take -- or don't take -- are controlling in some way. It's just a matter of how, when, and how much.
When we are driven primarily by strong emotions such as fear, anxiety, anger, and insecurity, we try to control excessively. This is when we pressure and manipulate people and events to get what we want or need (or what we think we want or need) or to try to change people in ways that we believe will be better for them -- or for us.
At bottom, excessive control represents our attempt to change another's very nature and spirit. But because another's true spirit cannot be changed -- except by that person alone -- our efforts to do so are not only fruitless, they are also harmful. It is not about the other person as much as it is about us and our unwillingness to accept life as it is.
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