Or: An exploration of Dick Cheney's recent daydreams.
by Alex Pareene
President Bush announces the news to the nation on May 24, 2006, immediately following the East Coast airing of the finale of "American Idol." He appears in military fatigues and, for some reason, spurs. Behind him, an oversize Osama bin Laden "Wanted" poster, with the word "LIQUIDATED" stamped on the terrorist mastermind's face. The camera pulls back to reveal that the president's East Room audience is in fact made up entirely of firefighters. The Marine band plays "Stars and Stripes Forever" as the president speaks, forcing Bush to address the room, and the nation, through a bullhorn.
"America has won the war on terror," Bush shouts. "Tonight, I am proud to say, Osama bin Laden is in hell." The president explains that the terrorist mastermind was "taken out" by American forces in Afghanistan, along with the entire senior leadership of al-Qaida. Crowds spontaneously gather in celebration outside the White House, with handmade signs ("THESE COLORS DON'T RUN," "LET'S ROLL") in plain view of cable news cameras set up beforehand according to a White House communications office suggestion. A professional-quality sound system blares Lee Greenwood. Then, fireworks.
Thrilling night-vision footage of a daring firefight in a labyrinthine cave is immediately provided to news channels. All of them air it, without noting that the video was edited by the Pentagon prior to release, and its contents unconfirmed.
In background briefings to national security journalists, the Pentagon credits the kill to one lone unnamed but slightly Schwarzeneggerian special forces officer acting on intelligence procured by one lone unnamed but remarkably Jack Bauer-like CIA officer who personally "interrogated" the al-Qaida courier until he revealed bin Laden's whereabouts.
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