Adam J. Ruben spent seven years working on a Ph.D. in molecular biology at Johns Hopkins. On the side, he performed at open mikes and wrote a book that didn’t count toward his publish-or-perish count. “Surviving Your Stupid, Stupid Decision to Go to Grad School” was published by Broadway Books last year. Now Dr. Ruben teaches an undergraduate class on the stand-up comic in society at Johns Hopkins, when he’s not at his day job at Sanaria, working on a vaccine for malaria. Another hobby: rapping.
‘The Grad Student Rap’
Lyrics by Adam J. Ruben
Sittin' in my carrel, readin’ ancient Greek.
Thinkin’ I should go and take a shower — next week!
20 after midnight; lookin’ like a slob,
And I could’ve had a 9-to-5 job.
•
But I’m a grad student.
My glasses are squarish.
Yeah, I’m a grad student.
Publish or perish!
I’m a grad student.
Got no time for TV.
That’s why they’re givin’ me the third degree.
•
I’m a free-pen thief and a free-food eater.
You should see the size of my curriculum vita.
Among grad students, I’m the baddest dude.
My classmates like me —
Yeah, we’ve been peer reviewed.
Re-grade request? Let me think. Denied!
I just put spinners on my sweet new ride.
•
’Cause I’m a grad student
In a community of scholars.
I’m a grad student.
I make dozens of dollars!
I’m a grad student.
And I’m sure you’ll agree
That’s why they’re givin’ me the third degree.
•
I work in a lab with acids and bases.
I study antimalarial activity enhancement in hydroxymethylcarbonyl
isotere-based dipeptidomimetics targeting aspartic proteases.
My new results to be unveiled
Are experiments to show why my experiments failed.
Bitchin’ and screamin’ at Microsoft Excel —
Think I’ll drink this HCl.
•
This is my adviser, helpin’ me advance.
All he does is yell and apply for grants.
He wants to know my progress, but I can’t be found.
Uh-oh! Looks like you dropped your grants on the ground!
Grants on the ground, grants on the ground,
Lookin’ like a fool with your grants on the ground.
•
’Cause I’m a grad student.
My hope is shrinking.
Yeah, I’m a grad student.
What the hell was I thinking?
I’m a grad student.
I’m teachin’ for free.
That’s why they’re givin’ me the third degree.
•
It’s a sad and cruel existence,
Goin’ to class as teaching assistants.
The college kids all disrespect us.
I got no prospects, just my prospectus.
We try to teach ’em how to search print media,
But they all just copy Wikipedia.
•
Don’t beg for points, or you’ll regret it.
(I wrote my name!)
That’s partial credit.
An in-class essay! Now the students’ll ramble.
We bet on who’s cheatin’ — yeah, we proctor and gamble.
•
Takin’ student loans just to have some money.
Payin’ them off ’til my kids are 20.
Every passing day makes me afraid.
Hey, just think of this as 23rd grade.
Without caffeine, I feel destroyed.
It’s my favorite xanthine alkaloid.
After 12 years here, I’m a bit embittered.
Yo, crank that up! That’s “All Things Considered”!
•
Yeah, I’m a nickel-saving, never-shaving,
Bagel-stealing, shame-concealing
Sunlight-hating, annotating,
Prob’ly never graduating,
Hardly caring, flash-drive-wearing,
Moron-teaching, microfiching,
Early-rising, harmonizing,
Never, ever unionizing,
Crap-enduring, debt-incurring,
Overnighting, thesis-writing,
Data-mining, constant-whining,
I can’t see the silver lining,
Paper-grading, tax-evading
Uninspired, very tired,
Snipin’, gripin’, always typin’,
Please don’t take away my stipend,
Grad student.
If I try to stay mellow,
I can start my career — as a post-doctoral fellow.
