Lovelorn in a Facebook Age

  
Obsessing After the Loss of a Romantic Partner Is Akin to Craving Cocaine

by Elizabeth Bernstein

I woke up one day last week to an anguished email from a friend whose girlfriend had just broken up with him. He had an urgent question: How could he take his mind off her so that he wouldn't call or text her?

I was momentarily stumped. What advice did I have for coping with one of life's worst experiences—losing a romantic partner? What would help him channel his energy into positive, productive activities?

It's no secret that when we lose a lover, we tend to lose our willpower. Suddenly, despite our best intentions, we fall prey to obsessive thoughts ("What did I do wrong?"), feelings ("I'll be alone forever") and actions (calling, emailing, texting).

I reflected on the advice I got after a major breakup almost two years ago. "Literature, my dear, literature… " began one email from a good friend. My mother reminded me to listen to music because "it soothes the soul." Others suggested exercise, volunteer work, travel. All excellent advice—and difficult to follow when you are in pain.

"It's not a heartbroken thing, it's a brain-broken thing," says Marianne Legato, a cardiologist and founder of the Partnership for Gender-Specific Medicine at Columbia University.

Therapists say the emotional stages after a breakup parallel the well-known stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, rebuilding. In general, the more meaningful the relationship, the longer it will take to move through the stages after a breakup. Figure a couple months for a short relationship, six months to a year for one that lasted a few years, and two to three years to recover after a long-term marriage, says Tina B. Tessina, a marriage and family therapist in Long Beach, Calif.

In the age of smartphones and iPads, though, it's easy to try to hang on, simply by peeking at your ex's Facebook page or Twitter feed. Did your former flame call? Pretend you're just checking the time on your phone. Is he still ignoring you? Send a quick text. What we're looking for when we engage in obsessive behavior like this is the dopamine fix that comes when we hear back from the object of our obsession. "It's like we have a cocaine craving," says Dr. Legato.

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