Moms say amazing things, so we asked a bunch of Hairpin pals to anonymously pass along their moms' best, and we made it into a tournament. An impartial judge picked the "winners."
1. [I baked crappy-looking brownies for the sixth-grade bake sale, and no one bought them, so I came home crying. My mom gave me shots of Baileys, and told me:] "I will always be here with shots when your first boyfriend breaks up with you and when you don't get into the college you want to go to."
2. "Don't touch me!" ["Oh. Why?"] "Because it doesn't feel good."
3. "It's such a shame that in this age of disease and danger you'll never be able to enjoy purely casual sex in the way I did."
4. "Don't ever have sex."
5. "I told [my boyfriend] I was too old to have children, but he said we could just use your eggs..." [She looks at me curiously]
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