I enjoy reading, travel, and the outdoors. Let’s see, I do vision
boarding, I like housesitting for people more successful than me, I’m an
avid fan of winter sports (snow wandering, sad phone calls). I search
eBay for cut-rate mascot costumes, and I laugh at them then get sad.
Rattlesnake videos on YouTube, I enjoy magazines and cigarettes,
watching television is still a big thing with me. I also do a hobby
sometimes where I can see the truth about everything, it’s hard to
explain, but I picture a situation, like the movie business, and I can
see the truth of the whole thing; I just stand and stare and think about
something until I can see the whole truth of it. This started after I
did something like three grams of mushrooms in one night in the late
’90s; I’m probably literally retarded from that night. I’ve never
sailed, but I feel like maybe I would like that. I like photography; I
tried to take a picture of this pimp on 10th Avenue who has a tarantula
that he’s always got walking around on his arm, but he physically
threatened me so I just turned a little bit and acted like I was trying
to take a picture of something to the left of him, and then he called me
a quiet little bitch, whatever that was supposed to mean. Softball,
camping. I know a guy named Tic Tac who was a martial arts assassin for
the Marines, like a freelance killer basically. My main hobbies involve
high stakes situations, motherfucker. LOL!—just
kidding around, a little. Let’s see, I don’t know, how long is this
section supposed to be? I guess I have the same hobbies everyone else
has; fishing, jogging, whatever, you name it, I’ll do it. I’ve been
pretty lonely, so lately I’ll try just about anything—if someone says
they love to go antiquing, I’m like, “Not so fast, when are you going
next, because I’m coming with you so I stop climbing the fucking walls
over here.” Anyway, I have tons of hobbies. I’ll put eating candy on
here, just because, you know what, why not? You’ve probably seen weaker
shit than eating candy in the hobbies section of someone’s résumé.
Certainly someone has put something like “Spending time with my kids” or
something like that, so I’m playing the candy card, chief. You know
what, I’ll tell you what my biggest hobby is, my biggest hobby right now
is getting my shit back on track. So, let’s get real about how we’re
going to make that happen, because I’ve been on a lonely stretch of
medium luck for about six months. Also, I am bankrupt and not allowed to
trade stocks, securities, futures, or annuities for twenty-five years
in North America and its territories, including Guam. I can make
sleeping pills and bottle rockets. Those last two aren’t really hobbies,
I guess, more like special skills.
by Dan Kennedy, McSweeny's
by Dan Kennedy, McSweeny's