Oprah once told a story on her show about a person who had hurt her deeply, someone she’d been holding a grudge against for a long time. One day she saw them on the street laughing, and she said to herself, “You mean that person is laughing while I’m sitting here still feeling miserable?!” And in that moment she realized waiting for someone who doesn’t care about you enough to take responsibility for hurting you is the most useless battle you could ever try to win.
Being betrayed by someone is the worst, most excruciatingly devastating thing a human being can go through. It is a sin against relationships and an affront to trust. And we’re not talking about someone dating someone you used to date, or eating the last piece of pizza before you had a chance to claim it. We’re talking about conspiring, cheating, compulsive lying, layoffs, divorce, the real big things that destroy people.
I have experience in being seriously betrayed by someone I loved very much, someone with whom I had a long-term relationship, someone I believe had my best interest in mind. That’s always what we just expect in any kind of relationship we maintain, isn’t it? That the other person holds up their end of the bargain: We’re in this together, and I’m not going to screw you.
My friends turn to me when they face their own types of betrayal because I. Got. Screwed. There is no other way to say it: This person who I loved screwed me big time. His actions towards me spun my world out of orbit and had very lasting effects that I struggle with to this day. (...)
So when people come to me and want advice for dealing with that kind of hurt someone intentionally caused them, all those feelings are fresh again, stirred up like a very ugly dust storm in my still-mending heart. I don’t just know what they’re going through, I feel it, and it really, really sucks. I still wonder if I’ll ever get an apology. If he’ll ever get that what he did to me was inhumane and borderline sociopathic. Does he remember? Does he care?
I’m going to be honest with you: Some people do not care. Some people hurt others in callus ways and don’t look back. Some people are emotionally vacant or detached, and that’s how they behave. For a long time after the person I knew betrayed me, I would watch how he interacted with others at work or on social media, and I would just have this pain realizing that he didn’t even give me a second thought. He laughed at jokes and talked about movies he saw on the weekend. He built a house and went on vacation. His life continued uninterrupted while I had to heal from a serious, life-altering pain. I was forever changed; he was unmoved.
Some people, unfortunately, can get away with treating people terribly. They just can. We’re not supposed to think like that, we’re supposed to think that karma exists and every action you take towards another person will come back to you. But some people really will just hurt others and move on, which is sometimes even more hurtful than the betrayal in the first place.
They can do this because they have their own hurts, deep hurts that have woven scars all over their hearts and minds. Maybe someone treated them terribly in the past, at a formable age, and they’ve learned since then that it’s ok if you do likewise to others. Maybe they are so shut down from emotional commitments to others that hurting people with their actions doesn’t register anymore. Maybe they’re very aware that what they are doing is wrong, and they do it anyway because they feel their needs are more important. Whatever the reason, something in their past numbed them from the result of their actions, or is telling them, “It’s ok to do this, even if it hurts someone.” Ask forgiveness, not permission? Maybe they think that adage applies to people’s hearts, too.
Being betrayed by someone is the worst, most excruciatingly devastating thing a human being can go through. It is a sin against relationships and an affront to trust. And we’re not talking about someone dating someone you used to date, or eating the last piece of pizza before you had a chance to claim it. We’re talking about conspiring, cheating, compulsive lying, layoffs, divorce, the real big things that destroy people.I have experience in being seriously betrayed by someone I loved very much, someone with whom I had a long-term relationship, someone I believe had my best interest in mind. That’s always what we just expect in any kind of relationship we maintain, isn’t it? That the other person holds up their end of the bargain: We’re in this together, and I’m not going to screw you.
My friends turn to me when they face their own types of betrayal because I. Got. Screwed. There is no other way to say it: This person who I loved screwed me big time. His actions towards me spun my world out of orbit and had very lasting effects that I struggle with to this day. (...)
So when people come to me and want advice for dealing with that kind of hurt someone intentionally caused them, all those feelings are fresh again, stirred up like a very ugly dust storm in my still-mending heart. I don’t just know what they’re going through, I feel it, and it really, really sucks. I still wonder if I’ll ever get an apology. If he’ll ever get that what he did to me was inhumane and borderline sociopathic. Does he remember? Does he care?
I’m going to be honest with you: Some people do not care. Some people hurt others in callus ways and don’t look back. Some people are emotionally vacant or detached, and that’s how they behave. For a long time after the person I knew betrayed me, I would watch how he interacted with others at work or on social media, and I would just have this pain realizing that he didn’t even give me a second thought. He laughed at jokes and talked about movies he saw on the weekend. He built a house and went on vacation. His life continued uninterrupted while I had to heal from a serious, life-altering pain. I was forever changed; he was unmoved.
Some people, unfortunately, can get away with treating people terribly. They just can. We’re not supposed to think like that, we’re supposed to think that karma exists and every action you take towards another person will come back to you. But some people really will just hurt others and move on, which is sometimes even more hurtful than the betrayal in the first place.
They can do this because they have their own hurts, deep hurts that have woven scars all over their hearts and minds. Maybe someone treated them terribly in the past, at a formable age, and they’ve learned since then that it’s ok if you do likewise to others. Maybe they are so shut down from emotional commitments to others that hurting people with their actions doesn’t register anymore. Maybe they’re very aware that what they are doing is wrong, and they do it anyway because they feel their needs are more important. Whatever the reason, something in their past numbed them from the result of their actions, or is telling them, “It’s ok to do this, even if it hurts someone.” Ask forgiveness, not permission? Maybe they think that adage applies to people’s hearts, too.
by Sarah Hatter, A Small Voyage | Read more:
Image: Alyssa L. Miller via:
