"I've started cutting my wrists,” my friend said on the phone one night. “I’m not eating. I don’t want to be alive.” We’d had many phone calls about her depression at this point; her parents knew, I had talked for hours on the phone with her childhood friend to compare notes, and she was on medication and seeing a therapist. We had been through so much together, but on this one particular call, I didn’t know what else to tell her. “That’s not good, and I don’t want you to do that,” is all I could think to say, and I felt a void in my lungs — as if all the air had been sucked out of my chest. “I’m so sorry, I want you to get better.” I left for college a few weeks later and found myself texting rather than calling her back, waiting days and then weeks to respond to her texts so that our friendship slowly melted away. We were, by the time she tried to commit suicide, out of touch except for birthdays: She always remembered mine. I always forgot hers.
Now I’ve experienced depression myself, and I have a handful of friends in various stages of depression, including one who has repeatedly called late at night asking me to “talk her off the ledge.” So many people around me are stressed out or on antidepressants, and I’ve wondered: How do you actually help someone with depression while remaining calm and grounded yourself? What should the follow-up texts and phone calls and agonizing weeks or months of recovery look like so you make the person feel better and not worse? What, in short, would a therapist advise here?
What follows is an exhaustive guide with evidence-based strategies and word-for-word scripts sourced from depression experts: things you can say and do if someone tells you they’re struggling or that they want to hurt themselves.
If you’re depressed: Send this story to people who care about you so they can know how to really help you. If you’re a friend (or family member, spouse, or co-worker) of someone who is depressed: Know it’s not entirely up to you to help them get better. But there is so much you can do, say, and know about depression to keep the relationship and your own well-being intact.
Depression, Defined
What is depression? What are the signs and symptoms?
Major depression is a mood disorder that causes someone to feel persistently sad for a long time (at least two weeks), and of the many symptoms, the most common signs you’ll recognize in friends are their being less social or less interested in things they usually like to do. A depressed friend might decline your invitations to meet up, cancel plans again and again, or ignore calls or texts. In person, that friend might snap at you, drink excessively, get upset about the smallest things, or seem more anxious, irritable, flat, and just really negative and down.
“Friends can sometimes take that personally and feel very impatient and frustrated, like, I don’t want to hang out with this person so much anymore,” says Dr. Laura Rosen, a clinical psychologist and the author of When Someone You Love Is Depressed. “That’s something people need to notice. If you feel different when you’re with them, depression might be going on.”
“Hey, I’m Worried About You”
How should you ask if someone is depressed? What should you say?
The wrong way to start the conversation is by focusing vaguely on how the person seems emotionally, which can sound accusatory, such as: “You’ve been so down/stressed/anxious/irritable lately … what’s going on? Are you okay?”
Open-ended questions are better, experts say, such as:
“How are you doing lately?”
“Are you struggling with anything? Can I help you?”
“You just don’t seem like yourself lately. Is everything okay?”
“Focus on specific behaviors so your friend doesn’t feel judged,” says Valerie Cordero, co-executive director of Families for Depression Awareness. “You want to try as much as possible to not put them on the defensive, and give them an opportunity to respond.”
Examples include:
“You used to love our nights out, but it seems like you’re not interested in coming anymore. Is something going on? Do you want to talk about it?”
“I know you got a raise recently, which probably came with a bunch of new responsibilities, and I’ve noticed you seem stressed out. Do you think you might be depressed?”
See what your friend is willing to share. If they don’t want to talk about it, or if they brush you off, just say, “I’m here for you,” and move on to another topic. (...)
What to Say to Someone Who Is Depressed
Image: Head of a Woman, 1911, Alexej von Jawlensky
Now I’ve experienced depression myself, and I have a handful of friends in various stages of depression, including one who has repeatedly called late at night asking me to “talk her off the ledge.” So many people around me are stressed out or on antidepressants, and I’ve wondered: How do you actually help someone with depression while remaining calm and grounded yourself? What should the follow-up texts and phone calls and agonizing weeks or months of recovery look like so you make the person feel better and not worse? What, in short, would a therapist advise here?What follows is an exhaustive guide with evidence-based strategies and word-for-word scripts sourced from depression experts: things you can say and do if someone tells you they’re struggling or that they want to hurt themselves.
If you’re depressed: Send this story to people who care about you so they can know how to really help you. If you’re a friend (or family member, spouse, or co-worker) of someone who is depressed: Know it’s not entirely up to you to help them get better. But there is so much you can do, say, and know about depression to keep the relationship and your own well-being intact.
Depression, Defined
What is depression? What are the signs and symptoms?
Major depression is a mood disorder that causes someone to feel persistently sad for a long time (at least two weeks), and of the many symptoms, the most common signs you’ll recognize in friends are their being less social or less interested in things they usually like to do. A depressed friend might decline your invitations to meet up, cancel plans again and again, or ignore calls or texts. In person, that friend might snap at you, drink excessively, get upset about the smallest things, or seem more anxious, irritable, flat, and just really negative and down.
“Friends can sometimes take that personally and feel very impatient and frustrated, like, I don’t want to hang out with this person so much anymore,” says Dr. Laura Rosen, a clinical psychologist and the author of When Someone You Love Is Depressed. “That’s something people need to notice. If you feel different when you’re with them, depression might be going on.”
“Hey, I’m Worried About You”
How should you ask if someone is depressed? What should you say?
The wrong way to start the conversation is by focusing vaguely on how the person seems emotionally, which can sound accusatory, such as: “You’ve been so down/stressed/anxious/irritable lately … what’s going on? Are you okay?”
Open-ended questions are better, experts say, such as:
“How are you doing lately?”
“Are you struggling with anything? Can I help you?”
“You just don’t seem like yourself lately. Is everything okay?”
“Focus on specific behaviors so your friend doesn’t feel judged,” says Valerie Cordero, co-executive director of Families for Depression Awareness. “You want to try as much as possible to not put them on the defensive, and give them an opportunity to respond.”
Examples include:
“You used to love our nights out, but it seems like you’re not interested in coming anymore. Is something going on? Do you want to talk about it?”
“I know you got a raise recently, which probably came with a bunch of new responsibilities, and I’ve noticed you seem stressed out. Do you think you might be depressed?”
See what your friend is willing to share. If they don’t want to talk about it, or if they brush you off, just say, “I’m here for you,” and move on to another topic. (...)
What to Say to Someone Who Is Depressed
How do you tell the person that things will get better?
Don’t say:
“You have so much going for you.”
“Just know that I care about you.”
“Come on, stop being so down.”
“Wouldn’t you feel better if you didn’t drink so much or sleep all day?”
The first example suggests you know more about their situation than the depressed friend does. The others instill guilt and shame. In general, it’s better to avoid giving advice that suggests specific ways a friend should change thoughts or behavior — the only true advice you can give is that the friend should talk to a doctor and therapist, and you can encourage your friend to continue reaching out to you and other friends and family when that person needs someone to listen. Instead, say something like:
Do say:
“It makes sense to me that you’re just really not feeling like yourself.”
“You feel really miserable right now, but you have to remember it will get better. I know that. I can promise you that.”
Rather than giving the person a pep talk, these examples reflect back what you’re hearing and offer specific ways you might help. “What I hear from depressed people is that to have somebody say get over it is not very helpful and actually really annoying,” says Rosen. “It’s more helpful to say, ‘I can see what a hard time you’re having, but I’m going to be here. I’m going to see you through this. You probably don’t believe this, but it will pass. I know it feels really bad.’”
by Catie L'Heureux, The Cut | Read more:Don’t say:
“You have so much going for you.”
“Just know that I care about you.”
“Come on, stop being so down.”
“Wouldn’t you feel better if you didn’t drink so much or sleep all day?”
The first example suggests you know more about their situation than the depressed friend does. The others instill guilt and shame. In general, it’s better to avoid giving advice that suggests specific ways a friend should change thoughts or behavior — the only true advice you can give is that the friend should talk to a doctor and therapist, and you can encourage your friend to continue reaching out to you and other friends and family when that person needs someone to listen. Instead, say something like:
Do say:
“It makes sense to me that you’re just really not feeling like yourself.”
“You feel really miserable right now, but you have to remember it will get better. I know that. I can promise you that.”
Rather than giving the person a pep talk, these examples reflect back what you’re hearing and offer specific ways you might help. “What I hear from depressed people is that to have somebody say get over it is not very helpful and actually really annoying,” says Rosen. “It’s more helpful to say, ‘I can see what a hard time you’re having, but I’m going to be here. I’m going to see you through this. You probably don’t believe this, but it will pass. I know it feels really bad.’”
Image: Head of a Woman, 1911, Alexej von Jawlensky
