Something strange happens when we break up. A concoction of memories and thoughts occupy our minds — anything from “my life is over” to “I’ll make the best of my regained freedom”. There are self-doubts and pain, to the regular chanting of “this sucks”. Yes, it does suck. Break-ups suck for the person being dumped and they suck for the person doing the nasty deed.
A break-up may be cruel or cordial; rarely it can be neutral. These are not our finest hours. And the longer a relationship lasted, the harder it will be to get over it. You’ve shared a life, your dreams, a home, a sense of self. And suddenly you find yourself in the throes of a refurbishment project you didn’t even ask for. But understanding the scientific basis of break-ups — why people do it and how they get over it alongside the neuroscientific underpinnings of heartbreak — may offer an opportunity for self-analysis.
Knowing why you feel the way you feel may provide some much-needed perspective; the necessary distance to re-examine your thoughts. Will your new scientific appreciation work wonders and lift you back into the realm of those who have got it all together? Hardly, because yes, getting over a partner takes time (and I’ll explain why below). But it serves as a nice reminder that perhaps there is no magic here. Yes, perhaps heartbreak is but a melting pot of thoughts and brain chemicals.
Why we break up
Every relationship is unique, and you will have your reasons for calling it quits (or your other half will). But according to research there are eight main arguments for a break-up: the desire to be more autonomous, not sharing the same interests or character traits, not being supportive enough, not being open enough, not being loyal, not spending enough time together, not being fair enough to each other, and the loss of romance. Chances are your break-up falls within multiple of these categories. (Interestingly, for women, autonomy is one of the main reasons for a break-up.)
If you’re mending a broken heart at this moment, realize that you did not have control over how your partner felt. They arrived at this conclusion for a reason and it may not even be a good reason, but that’s not debatable.
Yet according to scientific evidence, how long a relationship may last can be (somewhat) predicted. When Galena K. Rhoades at the University of Denver, U.S., began to study relationship commitment, she couldn’t have known just how much constraining factors matter. So what are ‘constraint commitments’? They’re restrictions which make us more committed to staying in a relationship. Rhoades proposed three types:
1. Perceived constraints, which include external factors. They include social pressures to stay together or the feeling that you invested a lot into a relationship. Maybe you think that your life as you know it will come to a halt or you’re worried about your partner’s mental health.
2. Material constraints include financial and physical pressures, such as owning a property or a pet together, sharing furniture or a bank account.
3. Felt constraints describe the feeling of being trapped or stuck in a relationship.
Rhoades recruited 1184 individuals between the ages of 18 to 35 years, all of whom were in a relationship of at least two months. Over eight months, participants received two rounds of questionnaires to examine their dedication to their partners and the three constraints. Twenty-six percent of the relationships ended within the time frame of the study. What the authors found was sobering.
They noted that fewer perceived or material constraints and higher felt constraints could explain break-ups. Let that sink in. It means that couples who feel social pressure or live in shared accommodation are less likely to break up. In other words, we use our partnerships to give us a sense of emotional or material stability. But then again, perhaps that’s what relationships are all about to begin with? For those who feel trapped, chances are higher that things will come to an end.
It’s a romantic concept to believe that love is at the core of a long-lasting relationship. And pondering the constraints of your past relationship may illuminate some of its shortcomings.
How we break up
Break-ups aren’t accidents. The reflections that ultimately lead to someone cutting ties do not happen one day to the next (unless infidelity is involved). If you’re heartbroken, remind yourself that your partner arrived at his or her conclusion likely after a substantial amount of time.
Just how complex and expansive the process of separation can be, shows an analysis of individual break-up points. The authors of the research identified 16 steps that occur before the final break-up (see graphic). And though these events don’t always happen in this order, it may comfort you to know that you mattered. Yes, you mattered enough for your ex to take time to mull over the end of the relationship.
Often, one senses the expiration date is drawing near — like some minor irritation or a growing nervousness. But these suspicions are based on concrete warning signs. According to research by Aalto University in Finland, such signals even extend to social media. The scientists studied data from social networks (mostly Twitter) to detect break-up patterns. They found that heartbreakers-to-be sent fewer messages to their partners, but more messages to other users. Overall, the number of messages they shared online went down. Withdrawal is a classic symptom of looming separation — even on social media.
When it comes to the final act of breaking up, things tend to be more messy than civil. Fifty-eight percent of Americans said their relationship took a dramatic end. Only a quarter of couples ended things in a civil manner. In the digital age, it may be reassuring to know that the majority of people still have the decency to break up face-to-face (57%), although younger generations are more likely to use text messaging (34%). Damn you technology! Perhaps certain things shouldn’t be that easy.
by Anne Freier, Medium | Read more:
Image:Hearts live by being wounded. — Oscar Wilde
[ed. If your relationship is struggling (or you want to prevent that), consider picking up a copy of Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson.]
A break-up may be cruel or cordial; rarely it can be neutral. These are not our finest hours. And the longer a relationship lasted, the harder it will be to get over it. You’ve shared a life, your dreams, a home, a sense of self. And suddenly you find yourself in the throes of a refurbishment project you didn’t even ask for. But understanding the scientific basis of break-ups — why people do it and how they get over it alongside the neuroscientific underpinnings of heartbreak — may offer an opportunity for self-analysis.
Knowing why you feel the way you feel may provide some much-needed perspective; the necessary distance to re-examine your thoughts. Will your new scientific appreciation work wonders and lift you back into the realm of those who have got it all together? Hardly, because yes, getting over a partner takes time (and I’ll explain why below). But it serves as a nice reminder that perhaps there is no magic here. Yes, perhaps heartbreak is but a melting pot of thoughts and brain chemicals.
Why we break up
Every relationship is unique, and you will have your reasons for calling it quits (or your other half will). But according to research there are eight main arguments for a break-up: the desire to be more autonomous, not sharing the same interests or character traits, not being supportive enough, not being open enough, not being loyal, not spending enough time together, not being fair enough to each other, and the loss of romance. Chances are your break-up falls within multiple of these categories. (Interestingly, for women, autonomy is one of the main reasons for a break-up.)
If you’re mending a broken heart at this moment, realize that you did not have control over how your partner felt. They arrived at this conclusion for a reason and it may not even be a good reason, but that’s not debatable.
Yet according to scientific evidence, how long a relationship may last can be (somewhat) predicted. When Galena K. Rhoades at the University of Denver, U.S., began to study relationship commitment, she couldn’t have known just how much constraining factors matter. So what are ‘constraint commitments’? They’re restrictions which make us more committed to staying in a relationship. Rhoades proposed three types:
1. Perceived constraints, which include external factors. They include social pressures to stay together or the feeling that you invested a lot into a relationship. Maybe you think that your life as you know it will come to a halt or you’re worried about your partner’s mental health.
2. Material constraints include financial and physical pressures, such as owning a property or a pet together, sharing furniture or a bank account.
3. Felt constraints describe the feeling of being trapped or stuck in a relationship.
Rhoades recruited 1184 individuals between the ages of 18 to 35 years, all of whom were in a relationship of at least two months. Over eight months, participants received two rounds of questionnaires to examine their dedication to their partners and the three constraints. Twenty-six percent of the relationships ended within the time frame of the study. What the authors found was sobering.
They noted that fewer perceived or material constraints and higher felt constraints could explain break-ups. Let that sink in. It means that couples who feel social pressure or live in shared accommodation are less likely to break up. In other words, we use our partnerships to give us a sense of emotional or material stability. But then again, perhaps that’s what relationships are all about to begin with? For those who feel trapped, chances are higher that things will come to an end.
It’s a romantic concept to believe that love is at the core of a long-lasting relationship. And pondering the constraints of your past relationship may illuminate some of its shortcomings.
How we break up
Break-ups aren’t accidents. The reflections that ultimately lead to someone cutting ties do not happen one day to the next (unless infidelity is involved). If you’re heartbroken, remind yourself that your partner arrived at his or her conclusion likely after a substantial amount of time.
Just how complex and expansive the process of separation can be, shows an analysis of individual break-up points. The authors of the research identified 16 steps that occur before the final break-up (see graphic). And though these events don’t always happen in this order, it may comfort you to know that you mattered. Yes, you mattered enough for your ex to take time to mull over the end of the relationship.
Often, one senses the expiration date is drawing near — like some minor irritation or a growing nervousness. But these suspicions are based on concrete warning signs. According to research by Aalto University in Finland, such signals even extend to social media. The scientists studied data from social networks (mostly Twitter) to detect break-up patterns. They found that heartbreakers-to-be sent fewer messages to their partners, but more messages to other users. Overall, the number of messages they shared online went down. Withdrawal is a classic symptom of looming separation — even on social media.
When it comes to the final act of breaking up, things tend to be more messy than civil. Fifty-eight percent of Americans said their relationship took a dramatic end. Only a quarter of couples ended things in a civil manner. In the digital age, it may be reassuring to know that the majority of people still have the decency to break up face-to-face (57%), although younger generations are more likely to use text messaging (34%). Damn you technology! Perhaps certain things shouldn’t be that easy.
Image:Hearts live by being wounded. — Oscar Wilde
[ed. If your relationship is struggling (or you want to prevent that), consider picking up a copy of Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson.]
