Agoravix
PROFILE: Designed in the mid 2010s to be an effective weapon against any contagious pandemic. Agoravix used breakthrough vaccine technology to deliver mRNA encoding extremely sensitive glutamate receptors designed to be highly expressed in specific regions of the amygdala. The increased activation of neuronal fear circuitry reliably triggered a severe but temporary agoraphobia, leading to recipients barely leaving their houses for around a month.
BANNED BECAUSE: The FDA reasoned at the time that the social and economic costs of people not leaving their house could not be justified, even for a severe pandemic.
Purchasil
PROFILE: Developed by the same company that made Agoravix. Following the initial rejection of Agoravix, scientists set about designing an adjunct that could be delivered simultaneously that would stimulate economic activity. Purchasil contained mRNA encoding modified dopamine receptors that would increase the rewarding effects of shopping. The goal was to generate a combination vaccine that would lead to recipients remaining at home but spending large amounts of money online shopping.
BANNED BECAUSE: The rewarding effects of shopping were found not to be related to amount of money spent as hoped, but rather the volume of products acquired. This led to recipients desperately purchasing large amounts of bulky cheap items such as toilet paper. This was deemed insufficient to cause any significant economic growth, and approval was denied.
Helixium
PROFILE: Device designed to be deployed to the general population to reduce transmission of Covid-19. The device consisted of a small canister of pressurised helium/oxygen worn around the neck, with an attached nasal delivery tube. By significantly lightening the mixture of gasses being breathed in, any exhaled droplets of virus are carried harmlessly over the heads of nearby people as opposed to into their faces, reducing risk of transmission.
Highly effective but saw limited usage as the device was immediately politicised. Although the pro-Helixium side was able to make sound and objectively correct arguments about one’s moral duty to endure minor inconvenience in order to protect others, these arguments were always made in squeaky voices and were thus easy to refute by calling the proponents sheeple in a commanding baritone.
BANNED BECAUSE: A well controlled independent trial demonstrated that Helixium was less effective than a cloth mask worn over the nose and mouth. In a complete departure from tradition the FDA reasoned that it was immoral to charge people for a product when a cheaper and more effective version was available, and revoked approval. (...)
BAI-0001
PROFILE:
With the development of machine learning algorithms applied to bioinformatics, the AI/biotech start up BioAI abandoned all other projects and set out to develop a vaccine at unprecedented speed.
They trained their model on all available datasets related to immunity, viral sequences and formulation of existing vaccines. They input the parameters they wanted (highly stable, minimal mortality, simple delivery and highly likely to trigger an immune response) and the model output an RNA sequence and described the formulation of a protein and lipid based capsule that would allow delivery by inhalation.
The vaccine, termed BAI-0001, was produced and trialled in young healthy volunteers. It was found to cause flu-like symptoms in some participants, but no serious illnesses and 100% immunity.
With a press release describing their results BioAI saw their stock price soar as they were touted as a revolution in medical research. They sought a fast tracked emergency use authorisation from the FDA.
BANNED BECAUSE: A junior biologist at BioAI noticed that the RNA sequence and delivery capsule of the vaccine was indistinguishable from COVID-19 itself. Further investigation revealed that they had indeed just synthetically recreated the virus. The submission to the FDA was sheepishly withdrawn.
[ed. See also: I should have loved biology.]
