It worked. Timarchus was stripped of citizenship and vanished from public life, while Aeschines went on to commission the Fourth Sacred War under Philip’s aegis, found a school of rhetoric, and eventually retire to the winemaking island of Samos, where he died well into his seventies. Being a dizzy little bitch who hates fun pays off sometimes. [Full text of Against Timarchus here.]
Gentlemen and themtlemen! You know I never have a bad word to say about anyone. It’s probably the second-best-known thing about me, my quiet and peaceful approach to conflict. If I were to guess what the first-best-known thing about me is, I honestly couldn’t even begin to guess, because I just don’t think about human relationships in that way, you know? But this isn’t about me, which is such a relief, because I’m so uncomfortable when things are about me, so I’m really glad to be able to say that this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Athens. It’s the city I’m here to talk about, not me. Honestly, if I could talk about the city without being here at all, like if there was some way I could talk without talking, or being myself, or being in any way perceived by all of you, I would do that. But as I already said, this isn’t about me, so even though it makes me really uncomfortable to address you all publicly like this, I don’t even care, my discomfort at being the center of attention is just not as important as the dignity and safety of Athens, which always comes first, at least for me, and I hope for you guys, haha!
And I’m just going to come out and say it, which is that this so-called “friend,” this person who has actually really done a lot of damage to Athens, is, I’m sorry to say, but it’s Timarchus. I don’t even care that he’s trying to hurt me, because I’m just whatever, but insofar as I am a representative of Athens, a legitimate member of her assemblies and jury pools, a member of the greater Athenian body, that’s the issue here, not me, personally, Aeschines. You know me, you know I absolutely do not hold grudges or even care what happens to this bag of meat that I call my “body.” But I do care, like really care, about my friends, and I honestly do consider Athens a friend. I really do. And when someone hurts her? Okay, then it’s like, let’s go. So let’s go.
I know this is probably not the first time some of you have heard about Timarchus. If I were to guess, I’d say you probably have been hearing a lot of really troubling shit about him over the years, because I’ve been hearing it too, even though I never passed it along or said anything about him myself. But like, you guys, you guys, we live in a democracy, right? Like we live in a society, yes, but more importantly a democratic society, so we have laws and rules and so on, and we do ask of our citizens a certain commitment to excellence that not just anybody can abide by. And I don’t think we should have to apologize for having high standards. Do you? Okay, good, I’m really glad to hear that. Honestly, I’m really relieved to hear that, because I was worried it was going to be just me, but I’m so glad that we can all agree that if someone violates those laws, or doesn’t live up to our admittedly very high standards (but that’s why Athens is so great, you guys, and just to throw this in for detail, I don’t want to get too far off topic but I do think it’s important, I also think this is why it’s actually completely fair to consider Macedonia like fully Greek, like absolutely there’s a shared commitment to Athenian values, which is why I sometimes call Macedonia Athens II, just for short), but our very high standards, then they should just like….they should just go! Away, and have to live somewhere else, and I don’t even care where, like be well, okay, be safe and healthy, good fortune go with you, I absolutely wish you the best wherever your journey takes you, but you just cannot stay here, because everyone here is already pulling their weight and frankly doing more than their fair share to begin with.
You are all probably aware that prostitution — sorry, “sex work,” I mean I want to be as nice about this as I can, and it’s perfectly fine to do sex work, that’s a totally legitimate option if that’s all you want out of life, I’ve known some really great prostitutes who I would absolutely invite to a dinner party if the vibe was right, but it’s not like being a judge, or a general, I think we can all admit that — is not a compatible side gig for an Athenian citizen, right? We actually have a full, actually-written-down law about that. If you’re, like….I don’t know, a really friendly Thracian of uncertain parentage and you want to be like a fun courtesan, you should go for it and really with my blessing, but it’s just not appropriate for a freeborn man of Athens tasked with safeguarding our citizenry. Right? You have to pick one. You can be a sex worker all you want, God bless, but then you have to stick with that, and you can’t try to become one of the nine archons, or apply to the priesthood, or hold office.
So don’t you think it’s kind of fucked up that Timarchus had the gall to address this assembly as a citizen of Athens even though he absolutely fucked for cash when he was in medical school? Like don’t you think the fact that he lied to us all about it is also a problem? We probably could have made an exception for him if he just asked. But he didn’t ask. It’s honestly not even the sex work, for me personally that causes the problem, but that he lied about it, because it like begs the question — ahaha sorry, that was just a little joke for some of you rhetoricians — it like raises the question of what else has he lied about? Also I know a lot of you were really uncomfortable last week when he took his cloak off during his address, like we were all just in the gymnasium or something, like it was no big deal, and we shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable when we’re just trying to assemble.
To be clear, I’m not trying to shame Timarchus by bringing all of this old shit up, even though a lot of it isn’t even that old. Partly because I’m honestly not even sure he can feel shame? Like I just don’t think he registers emotions on that scale, at all. So it’s not even worth it. But also I don’t want to make a big deal out of this. I just want us all to agree to abide by the rules we already agreed on!
by Daniel Lavery, Shatner Chatner | Read more:
Image: Aeschines, copy of Herculaneum original in the National Museum, Naples, early to mid 1800s, marble via[ed. If you're not familair with Daniel's (formerly, Mallory's) charming work, see here and here. See also: Why We’re Freaking Out About Substack (NYT).]
