Only one staff member has managed to break through Carmen’s shell after years of persistence, but they’re on lunch. I check the camera one more time. Carmen’s head is still down, arms wrapped around her ears like a kid in grade school. No time like the present.
I approach, our guard watching nearby. She’s already called him a pussy once; he’s not interested in hearing it again. I keep a table between myself and Carmen. I tap my fingers on the wood, near where she lays her head. I say her name.
She throws her head up. “What!” Just like that. No question, just exclamation.
“We’re just checking on you. You have to keep your head up while you’re in the library.”
“Why!”
“We need to know that you’re okay, that you’re not having a medical emergency.”
A flinty stare. “I need to keep my head up so you know I’m not having a medical emergency,” she repeats.
“Yes,” I say. “It’s the agreement of being in the library.”
She stares me down, crosses her arms. I back up.
“You won’t have to worry about that,” she says. “I won’t be back.” She says this like a rich woman who has been served the wrong meal at a fancy restaurant. Julia Roberts with all her shopping bags on Rodeo Drive. Big mistake. Huge.
“Okay,” I say.
She says something as I walk away, something meant to antagonize, to get me to come back and fight with her. I ignore it. I don’t give a shit what she says as long as she doesn’t give us a reason to kick her out. Summer is coming on, and it’s hot out. Back at my desk, I check the camera. Her head stays up.
She comes back the next day.
I am a public librarian. I currently work in an urban system, though I’ve done time in the ’burbs. We have a food bank to our left, court-ordered counseling clinics and shelters across the street, a fast-food chicken joint to the right, and a bus stop out front.
A good number of our regulars are either unhoused people waiting on shelter or people who have shelter but spend all day at the library because it’s safer. We know most of their names—if not their government names, their street names. Possum, Shorty Red, Baby Doll. If we don’t know those, we’ll come up with our own nicknames: Sparkle Boots, Hot Wheels, Orange Dreds. We’re not trying to be disrespectful; we’re trying to keep up with who is in the building. If we’ve learned anything about keeping the peace, we’ve learned that it’s imperative to know who’s here, who’s not, who has beef, who’s in hiding.
We do have a guard, but it’s dangerous to get too lazy about that guard. They’re there as a deterrent. A uniform, a badge, making rounds. The guard is unarmed, which is how we prefer it. The best security is to look people in the eye when they come in, say hello, give a nod that says I see you. To find out their name and give your name in return. To give grace because that’s all some of our people have.
When you don’t have money or a place to stay, but you do have an addiction, an abusive partner, or an exploitative job, you need to know where you can go. The church serves hot lunch on Mondays. The empty park behind the old Hardee’s is a good place to set up camp. The library will let you stay all day as long as you don’t sleep and you don’t have outbursts. Balance a book on your lap; if you’re gonna doze, make sure you doze sitting up. The librarians know who you are. The librarians see you.
I never wanted to be a librarian.
I was a kid who loved reading, but I liked writing even more. And while I liked helping people, I preferred when it came with an adrenaline rush—which didn’t square with my impression of libraries. I had fallen victim to the false, if enduring, tropes about librarianship: shushing people, valuing quiet contemplation, wearing combed hair in a tidy bun over a well-made dress, relishing the academic predictability of each civilized day.
As it turns out, though, graduating from college in the middle of a recession changes things: the public library offered me a slightly-higher-than-minimum-wage part-time job I immediately accepted. Turning that part-time job into a full-time job, would mean getting a master’s degree in Library Science; however, being a graduate student also let me place my already towering student loans into a deferment that wouldn’t collect interest. So, to library school I went. I got the degree. I got the full-time job. I also imagined a distant future in which I quit the library, my temporary placeholder career, for something much more fitting for me. Emergency services, social work, counseling, maybe vagabondry.
That I have been ambivalent about my librarianship career surprises most people. But you’re so good at what you do! You’ve always seemed like someone who has it figured out! It wasn’t until I started working at the library I’m at now—where I can have the nonemergency line on speed dial and Narcan in my backpack—that I felt like I found my place. There is no quiet here, no predictability to the days. There is instead a backdrop of low-grade chaos, funny in its Southern volatility. Telling a patron he can’t burn his trash behind the library building even if that’s how they do it in Mississippi. Telling another patron to lower their voice, only for them to apologize and deny in the same breath. Being accused of being a Russian spy, obviously. I mean, where else am I going to get stories like this?
I may never have wanted to be a librarian, but I love this job. This specific job. Not because of any kind of noble commitment to knowledge or love of books. I love it because every day requires me to meet humanity face to face. It reminds me that I am actually living in an actual society where I am responsible to other people. In one hour on the desk, I can help a child find every single book on frogs that we have and then turn around and give a tissue to a grown man sobbing over his deceased wife. I can give a tampon to a woman hiding in the restroom because she’s been living on the streets. I can listen to the HOA chair complain about being booted from our larger meeting room because we needed it to host FEMA after a tornado tore up another neighborhood a block over. Patrons recognize me everywhere I go in my neighborhood, like a minor celebrity. Library lady, library lady. They know I’m nice, that I try not to judge. They know I can be trusted. They know I’m good in an emergency. And these days, when you work as a librarian in America, there is no lack of emergencies.
Vulnerability doesn’t fit into America’s beloved bootstrapping ethos, and so Americans will try very hard not to see their vulnerable neighbors. When we walk down a street and see someone lying on a sewer grate to keep warm, the polite thing to do isn’t to check on the person—it’s to pretend we don’t see them and keep walking. If the person sits up and asks for help, we become momentarily deaf and walk faster. Anything to get away from the uncomfortable truth that our safety net is failing.
We love to remember the troops, never forget 9/11, be #BostonStrong, #ParklandStrong, #VegasStrong, #UvaldeStrong, etc., etc. Americans supporting Americans in their time of need surely proves that we are a nation of grace, a nation that takes care of its own, at least until the next hashtag comes along.
Some say we are a nation that cares for its “deserving” own and that deserving is defined by those who are in power, who are not vulnerable, who have wealth, privilege, status. I agree with this critique, but I’d posit another angle. We don’t choose who to help based on who deserves it; we choose who to help based on the amount of control we have over that help. We are, after all, a business-oriented nation. We love a deadline. (...)
I used to think a librarian’s most important job was to protect intellectual freedom. We must be militant against censorship in all its forms; that’s what was drilled into our heads in library school. It was always taught in a historical sense—the book-burning Nazis, the war propaganda, McCarthyism—something our professional forebears had battled before and firmly defeated. We protégés were to remain on guard for all the ways censorship could crop up in modern times: rating systems for children’s books, “restricted” sections, and insidious self-censorship where the librarian opts not to place material in a collection, anticipating backlash.
Books might be banned in some very rare and unfortunate circumstances, but more often they were “challenged,” where someone levels an accusation at a book and library leadership is compelled to reconsider its inclusion in the collection. Most times, library leadership would decide that, yes, the original collection decision had been correct. Or maybe it was correct but the book should be recatalogued into a different section, such as the usual case of young adult books that flirt with adult material. Only in extremely rare cases would library leadership actually pull a book from a collection.
That’s what we thought, at least. Never could we have imagined that state governments would send “approved” lists for librarians to purchase from. Or pursue criminal charges for a librarian who ignores the list. Where were those scenarios in library school? At the time, we’d almost pined for that kind of drama—the good old days, when someone would challenge a book and the community would rise up against the challenge and the library would remain victorious, respected. Are these the new good old days? Is this how the story ends? Most of us are fleeing the profession, seeking greener pastures where the pay is better and the shift ends at five o’clock.
by Lisa Bubert, Longreads | Read more:
Image: via
I approach, our guard watching nearby. She’s already called him a pussy once; he’s not interested in hearing it again. I keep a table between myself and Carmen. I tap my fingers on the wood, near where she lays her head. I say her name.
She throws her head up. “What!” Just like that. No question, just exclamation.
“We’re just checking on you. You have to keep your head up while you’re in the library.”
“Why!”
“We need to know that you’re okay, that you’re not having a medical emergency.”
A flinty stare. “I need to keep my head up so you know I’m not having a medical emergency,” she repeats.
“Yes,” I say. “It’s the agreement of being in the library.”
She stares me down, crosses her arms. I back up.
“You won’t have to worry about that,” she says. “I won’t be back.” She says this like a rich woman who has been served the wrong meal at a fancy restaurant. Julia Roberts with all her shopping bags on Rodeo Drive. Big mistake. Huge.
“Okay,” I say.
She says something as I walk away, something meant to antagonize, to get me to come back and fight with her. I ignore it. I don’t give a shit what she says as long as she doesn’t give us a reason to kick her out. Summer is coming on, and it’s hot out. Back at my desk, I check the camera. Her head stays up.
She comes back the next day.
I am a public librarian. I currently work in an urban system, though I’ve done time in the ’burbs. We have a food bank to our left, court-ordered counseling clinics and shelters across the street, a fast-food chicken joint to the right, and a bus stop out front.
A good number of our regulars are either unhoused people waiting on shelter or people who have shelter but spend all day at the library because it’s safer. We know most of their names—if not their government names, their street names. Possum, Shorty Red, Baby Doll. If we don’t know those, we’ll come up with our own nicknames: Sparkle Boots, Hot Wheels, Orange Dreds. We’re not trying to be disrespectful; we’re trying to keep up with who is in the building. If we’ve learned anything about keeping the peace, we’ve learned that it’s imperative to know who’s here, who’s not, who has beef, who’s in hiding.
We do have a guard, but it’s dangerous to get too lazy about that guard. They’re there as a deterrent. A uniform, a badge, making rounds. The guard is unarmed, which is how we prefer it. The best security is to look people in the eye when they come in, say hello, give a nod that says I see you. To find out their name and give your name in return. To give grace because that’s all some of our people have.
When you don’t have money or a place to stay, but you do have an addiction, an abusive partner, or an exploitative job, you need to know where you can go. The church serves hot lunch on Mondays. The empty park behind the old Hardee’s is a good place to set up camp. The library will let you stay all day as long as you don’t sleep and you don’t have outbursts. Balance a book on your lap; if you’re gonna doze, make sure you doze sitting up. The librarians know who you are. The librarians see you.
I never wanted to be a librarian.
I was a kid who loved reading, but I liked writing even more. And while I liked helping people, I preferred when it came with an adrenaline rush—which didn’t square with my impression of libraries. I had fallen victim to the false, if enduring, tropes about librarianship: shushing people, valuing quiet contemplation, wearing combed hair in a tidy bun over a well-made dress, relishing the academic predictability of each civilized day.
As it turns out, though, graduating from college in the middle of a recession changes things: the public library offered me a slightly-higher-than-minimum-wage part-time job I immediately accepted. Turning that part-time job into a full-time job, would mean getting a master’s degree in Library Science; however, being a graduate student also let me place my already towering student loans into a deferment that wouldn’t collect interest. So, to library school I went. I got the degree. I got the full-time job. I also imagined a distant future in which I quit the library, my temporary placeholder career, for something much more fitting for me. Emergency services, social work, counseling, maybe vagabondry.
That I have been ambivalent about my librarianship career surprises most people. But you’re so good at what you do! You’ve always seemed like someone who has it figured out! It wasn’t until I started working at the library I’m at now—where I can have the nonemergency line on speed dial and Narcan in my backpack—that I felt like I found my place. There is no quiet here, no predictability to the days. There is instead a backdrop of low-grade chaos, funny in its Southern volatility. Telling a patron he can’t burn his trash behind the library building even if that’s how they do it in Mississippi. Telling another patron to lower their voice, only for them to apologize and deny in the same breath. Being accused of being a Russian spy, obviously. I mean, where else am I going to get stories like this?
I may never have wanted to be a librarian, but I love this job. This specific job. Not because of any kind of noble commitment to knowledge or love of books. I love it because every day requires me to meet humanity face to face. It reminds me that I am actually living in an actual society where I am responsible to other people. In one hour on the desk, I can help a child find every single book on frogs that we have and then turn around and give a tissue to a grown man sobbing over his deceased wife. I can give a tampon to a woman hiding in the restroom because she’s been living on the streets. I can listen to the HOA chair complain about being booted from our larger meeting room because we needed it to host FEMA after a tornado tore up another neighborhood a block over. Patrons recognize me everywhere I go in my neighborhood, like a minor celebrity. Library lady, library lady. They know I’m nice, that I try not to judge. They know I can be trusted. They know I’m good in an emergency. And these days, when you work as a librarian in America, there is no lack of emergencies.
Vulnerability doesn’t fit into America’s beloved bootstrapping ethos, and so Americans will try very hard not to see their vulnerable neighbors. When we walk down a street and see someone lying on a sewer grate to keep warm, the polite thing to do isn’t to check on the person—it’s to pretend we don’t see them and keep walking. If the person sits up and asks for help, we become momentarily deaf and walk faster. Anything to get away from the uncomfortable truth that our safety net is failing.
We love to remember the troops, never forget 9/11, be #BostonStrong, #ParklandStrong, #VegasStrong, #UvaldeStrong, etc., etc. Americans supporting Americans in their time of need surely proves that we are a nation of grace, a nation that takes care of its own, at least until the next hashtag comes along.
Some say we are a nation that cares for its “deserving” own and that deserving is defined by those who are in power, who are not vulnerable, who have wealth, privilege, status. I agree with this critique, but I’d posit another angle. We don’t choose who to help based on who deserves it; we choose who to help based on the amount of control we have over that help. We are, after all, a business-oriented nation. We love a deadline. (...)
I used to think a librarian’s most important job was to protect intellectual freedom. We must be militant against censorship in all its forms; that’s what was drilled into our heads in library school. It was always taught in a historical sense—the book-burning Nazis, the war propaganda, McCarthyism—something our professional forebears had battled before and firmly defeated. We protégés were to remain on guard for all the ways censorship could crop up in modern times: rating systems for children’s books, “restricted” sections, and insidious self-censorship where the librarian opts not to place material in a collection, anticipating backlash.
Books might be banned in some very rare and unfortunate circumstances, but more often they were “challenged,” where someone levels an accusation at a book and library leadership is compelled to reconsider its inclusion in the collection. Most times, library leadership would decide that, yes, the original collection decision had been correct. Or maybe it was correct but the book should be recatalogued into a different section, such as the usual case of young adult books that flirt with adult material. Only in extremely rare cases would library leadership actually pull a book from a collection.
That’s what we thought, at least. Never could we have imagined that state governments would send “approved” lists for librarians to purchase from. Or pursue criminal charges for a librarian who ignores the list. Where were those scenarios in library school? At the time, we’d almost pined for that kind of drama—the good old days, when someone would challenge a book and the community would rise up against the challenge and the library would remain victorious, respected. Are these the new good old days? Is this how the story ends? Most of us are fleeing the profession, seeking greener pastures where the pay is better and the shift ends at five o’clock.
by Lisa Bubert, Longreads | Read more:
Image: via
