by Lilli Loofbourow
If you've ever been to a Renaissance Faire (I have), you know that the concept is less Queen Elizabeth and more Don Key-Ho-Tee's Medieval Potlucke WITH BREASTS. Or at least it was 10 years ago when a Ren-friend and I ate shepherd's pie, looked at chain-mail, and — once we'd soaked in enough of the Worlde and its high freckled bosoms — tried some boob-hoisting ourselves.
Putting a corset on is tough, and the instructions I received at the Faire went as follows: Lean down, shove your boobs into it, straighten up, then pop them up so they'll show through the dress. It may or may not surprise you that a) these instructions came from the amiable sales-fellow, and b) I walked around the booth with a nipple on display until my friend came out of her dressing room.
If this story has a moral, it's that cleavage-wrangling is complex. My God! I thought. How did the ladies of yore do it?
I'm finally in a position to find out. Picture it: It's the seventeenth century. Bras don't exist yet. As a typical woman, what do you do?
Option 1: Consult a Reference Work! You might turn to the Ladies' Dictionary. Published in 1694, here's the entry marked “Breasts”:
...how to make them Plump and Round: Breasts that hang loose, and are of an extraordinary largeness, lose their charms, and have their Beauty buried in the grave of uncomeliness, whilst those that are small, plump and round, like two ivory globes, or little worlds of beauty, whereon Love has founded his Empire, command an awful homage from his vassals, captivate the wondering gazer's eyes, and dart warm desires into his Soul, that make him languish and melt before the soft Temptation.
That there's your goal. Now, what to do if you're saddled with large breasts whose beauty is buried in the grave of uncomeliness? The Ladies' Dictionary is here to help.
Therefore to reduce those Breasts that hang flagging out of all comely shape and form, that they may be plump, round and smaller, bind them up close to you with caps or bags that will just fit them, and so let them continue for some nights. Then take carrot-seed, plantain-seeds, aniseeds, fennel-seeds, cumin-seeds, of each two ounces, virgin's honey an ounce, the juice of plantain and vinegar two ounces each. Bruise and mingle them well together. Then, unbinding your breast, spread the composition plaster-wise and lay it on your breasts, binding them up close as before. After two days and two nights, take off the plasters and wash your breasts with white wine and rose-water.
Got that? Basically, fashion a fitted homemade bra out of caps or bags, stuff it with seeds and honey, and marinate in the fruit of your loom for two days.
Then what?
In so doing for twelve or fourteen days together, you will find them reduced to a curious plumpness and charming roundness. Wash them then with water of Benjamin, and it will not only whiten them, but make their azure veins appear in all their intricate meanders, till the Lover in tracing them loses himself.
Whew. Right? Plastic surgeons, take note: This is what those “After” photos you wallpaper restrooms with should convey. (Minus the veins, which you will no doubt recommend cauterizing because circulation is so 1694. Oh, and get better fonts.)
Now that you have your breasts tight, round, and full of blue veins, you might notice that there's a tad too much pink in your skin tone. Tricky, this. If your complexion happens to be on the ruddy side, the Ladies' Dictionary must regrettably advise against the widespread practice of exposing your face and naked breast to the moon at night, “as if the Moon (because pale herself) would make them so, or by spitting in their Faces, scour off the Crimson dye.” This is a silly thing to do, ladies. Dew is moon-spit. It won't wash your color off, and moontanning isn't a thing. So ease up on those half-naked midnight strolls.
If you've ever been to a Renaissance Faire (I have), you know that the concept is less Queen Elizabeth and more Don Key-Ho-Tee's Medieval Potlucke WITH BREASTS. Or at least it was 10 years ago when a Ren-friend and I ate shepherd's pie, looked at chain-mail, and — once we'd soaked in enough of the Worlde and its high freckled bosoms — tried some boob-hoisting ourselves.
Putting a corset on is tough, and the instructions I received at the Faire went as follows: Lean down, shove your boobs into it, straighten up, then pop them up so they'll show through the dress. It may or may not surprise you that a) these instructions came from the amiable sales-fellow, and b) I walked around the booth with a nipple on display until my friend came out of her dressing room. If this story has a moral, it's that cleavage-wrangling is complex. My God! I thought. How did the ladies of yore do it?
I'm finally in a position to find out. Picture it: It's the seventeenth century. Bras don't exist yet. As a typical woman, what do you do?
Option 1: Consult a Reference Work! You might turn to the Ladies' Dictionary. Published in 1694, here's the entry marked “Breasts”:
...how to make them Plump and Round: Breasts that hang loose, and are of an extraordinary largeness, lose their charms, and have their Beauty buried in the grave of uncomeliness, whilst those that are small, plump and round, like two ivory globes, or little worlds of beauty, whereon Love has founded his Empire, command an awful homage from his vassals, captivate the wondering gazer's eyes, and dart warm desires into his Soul, that make him languish and melt before the soft Temptation.
That there's your goal. Now, what to do if you're saddled with large breasts whose beauty is buried in the grave of uncomeliness? The Ladies' Dictionary is here to help.
Therefore to reduce those Breasts that hang flagging out of all comely shape and form, that they may be plump, round and smaller, bind them up close to you with caps or bags that will just fit them, and so let them continue for some nights. Then take carrot-seed, plantain-seeds, aniseeds, fennel-seeds, cumin-seeds, of each two ounces, virgin's honey an ounce, the juice of plantain and vinegar two ounces each. Bruise and mingle them well together. Then, unbinding your breast, spread the composition plaster-wise and lay it on your breasts, binding them up close as before. After two days and two nights, take off the plasters and wash your breasts with white wine and rose-water.
Got that? Basically, fashion a fitted homemade bra out of caps or bags, stuff it with seeds and honey, and marinate in the fruit of your loom for two days.
Then what?
In so doing for twelve or fourteen days together, you will find them reduced to a curious plumpness and charming roundness. Wash them then with water of Benjamin, and it will not only whiten them, but make their azure veins appear in all their intricate meanders, till the Lover in tracing them loses himself.
Whew. Right? Plastic surgeons, take note: This is what those “After” photos you wallpaper restrooms with should convey. (Minus the veins, which you will no doubt recommend cauterizing because circulation is so 1694. Oh, and get better fonts.)
Now that you have your breasts tight, round, and full of blue veins, you might notice that there's a tad too much pink in your skin tone. Tricky, this. If your complexion happens to be on the ruddy side, the Ladies' Dictionary must regrettably advise against the widespread practice of exposing your face and naked breast to the moon at night, “as if the Moon (because pale herself) would make them so, or by spitting in their Faces, scour off the Crimson dye.” This is a silly thing to do, ladies. Dew is moon-spit. It won't wash your color off, and moontanning isn't a thing. So ease up on those half-naked midnight strolls.












