“JITTERS”
Hi. I’m a young cocker-spaniel mix who’s still quite scared of people. Looking for a patient forever-home to help me come out of my shell. I was formerly owned by a young man with an anger-management disorder that was so serious he needed to be institutionalized. I don’t have a mean bone in my body, but I would be best off as the only pet in a quiet home without children. Until I’m back on anti-anxiety meds, I might need you to disable your doorbell. Please, I’m not a big fan of sudden movements. Kindness and positive reinforcements will go a long ways with me. I’m learning not to chew on electric cords when I get nervous. Here’s hoping you’ll be that special someone kind enough to continue applying gel to my rear-leg stitches twice a day for another month. I’m nearly seventy-five per cent capable of doing my business outside.
“SINBAD”
Talk about restless-leg syndrome! You’re not going to believe what a rambunctious free spirit I am. (They say I’m half Jack Russell terrier, half determined neighbor’s mutt.) See, once my original family started having babies, they had even less time to give me the attention I crave. Now I’m going to need all the patience you can muster to fix my unwanted behaviors. So don’t be too mad at me the first time I destroy a favorite leather shoe or couch. Hey!—I’m working on it! Won’t you commit to attending regular obedience classes with me? I’d really like to learn about these “boundary” things and what the heck “NO” means.
I’m a super-exuberant digger. This time, though, I probably shouldn’t be with any family that has once-loved pets laid to rest in shallow backyard graves. I’m definitely high energy and want nothing more than to chase anything that moves, especially squirrels and skunks. Hold onto my leash tight if a car speeds by! I can be somewhat vocal when playing, so a home and neighbors with some tolerance for fun barking is ideal. I do my share of hand mouthing but rarely break skin. SPOILER ALERT: I can be a bit of an escape artist if left alone for an instant.
by Bill Franzen, New Yorker | Read more:
Illustration by Ralph Steadman.
