The benefits package with my friend with benefits has expanded since we’ve arrived in gala and holiday party season in Anchorage. He’s now my plus-one for just about everything, and I accompany him to certain events too, from after-work social stuff to fancy formal weekend events. When people ask, we say we’re just “good friends” and try to give off brother and sister vibes, but anyone paying attention can see our chemistry and it’s something more than friendship, especially when we get flirty after some champagne.
Of course, I’m developing deeper feelings now and think that eventually I’ll want more. We have these great nights that start with a drink or two, then an event, then hanging out after, and then spending the night. It feels like a relationship and something special, but then he leaves and that’s it until our next planned meet-up. I’m conflicted because I still want independence, too, and the situation is good for both of us. But when I went back home a few weeks ago, we texted all the time and it was sweet but confusing. So, I don’t know what to do.
And before you tell me to “Communicate! Tell him how you feel!” trust me, I have. Repeatedly. We’re good at talking and being honest with each other — another reason why I think we’d be great together! I’ve told him I think I’m developing feelings and he says he likes me a lot too but we shouldn’t commit right now. I told him that I’ll probably want to get serious at some point and he says that he might be open to that too someday. But ultimately it never gets beyond where we already are and then we agree that we’re comfortable with this arrangement for now. Only he is more so than I am at this point.
If this trajectory continues, the nights out and the connection and the time together, I know I’ll want and demand more in a month or two. But if it backfires, I’m not just losing a potential partner, I’m also losing my closest friend here. And that already bums me out. Any advice for this girl who isn’t sure what she wants?
Wanda says:
What you’ve described isn’t a “friend with benefits” situation, no matter how stubbornly you both insist on labeling it as such. You’re two people who share holidays, attend galas, text daily, swap work stories, go out to dinner, have sex, and then sleepovers to cap off evenings that sound suspiciously like actual dates. In fact, you’re mutually and actively building something that looks, sounds, and behaves like a relationship — just one wrapped in a casual label so no one freaks out.
The real problem here is your feelings are growing faster than his. Yes, he obviously likes you, and obviously enjoys what you have. And let’s be real: what guy wouldn’t enjoy on-demand sex and a plucky plus-one without the explicit expectations of commitment? He’s giving you just enough to keep you around, with the semi-promise of maybe being open to more, someday. Meanwhile your “someday” is sooner than later.
Many of us have been right where you are: with a person we really, really like, so we take what we can get, rather than getting what we really want. While it may feel it’s worth it, in fact staying in a situation that is no longer aligned with your needs will slowly erode your self-trust and eventually your connection and friendship with him will suffer.
by Wayne and Wanda, Anchorage Daily News | Read more:
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[ed. FWBs, various poly and gender relationships, AI partners. Everything seems more complicated these days (or nuanced).]
