We have received your request to unsubscribe from our newsletter. We hope that you enjoyed those issues of our informative and entertaining newsletter that you received after you voluntarily and under no duress asked to be added to our newsletter mailing list and before you decided to ask to be removed. And why wouldn’t you have? In fact, we’re so confident that you did enjoy the newsletters you received, and have submitted your unsubscribe request inadvertently, or under duress, that, as a one-time courtesy, we will disregard your request and keep your name and email address on our newsletter mailing list.
We understand that your time is valuable. You simply can’t read every newsletter that arrives in your email inbox! Some just have to be ignored. As an additional courtesy, we have searched your email archives and identified other email newsletters to which you were subscribed and submitted unsubscribe requests in your name, from your account, to the publishers of those other newsletters. Because an unsubscribe request can in some instances take weeks to process, we have also created filters for your email account that will relocate newsletters mailed from other publishers to your spam folder. If any other newsletter publisher’s mass-mailing software required confirmation of your unsubscribe request, we have sent that confirmation as well, providing as necessary your username and/or password, which we gleaned when possible from the archived emails confirming your initial subscriptions. Otherwise, we found your personal data on your hard drive.
In addition, we have changed your response to any brand name Evite or generic electronic invitation from “Will Attend” to “Will Not Attend” (or the equivalents). Further, any event of which you were identified as the organizer has been canceled. Not attending events will free up more time that you can devote to reading our newsletter, which you will continue to receive.
If you believe that our decision to disregard your request to unsubscribe was in error, you may reinstate your request in writing, sent to the mailing address set forth in the FAQ on our website. (Please note that accessing our website constitutes a grant of permission to add your name and email address to our newsletter mailing list.) Your written request must be accompanied by one of the following: (1) a letter from a licensed physician advising that you have a medical condition that does not permit you to receive newsletters, whether or not you (can) read them; (2) proof that you have moved your principal place of residence to a location more than 25 miles from the Internet; or (3) an affidavit, signed by you in the presence of a notary public, averring that you have irreversibly died.
by Matthew David Brozik, McSweeney's | Read more:
We understand that your time is valuable. You simply can’t read every newsletter that arrives in your email inbox! Some just have to be ignored. As an additional courtesy, we have searched your email archives and identified other email newsletters to which you were subscribed and submitted unsubscribe requests in your name, from your account, to the publishers of those other newsletters. Because an unsubscribe request can in some instances take weeks to process, we have also created filters for your email account that will relocate newsletters mailed from other publishers to your spam folder. If any other newsletter publisher’s mass-mailing software required confirmation of your unsubscribe request, we have sent that confirmation as well, providing as necessary your username and/or password, which we gleaned when possible from the archived emails confirming your initial subscriptions. Otherwise, we found your personal data on your hard drive.
In addition, we have changed your response to any brand name Evite or generic electronic invitation from “Will Attend” to “Will Not Attend” (or the equivalents). Further, any event of which you were identified as the organizer has been canceled. Not attending events will free up more time that you can devote to reading our newsletter, which you will continue to receive.
If you believe that our decision to disregard your request to unsubscribe was in error, you may reinstate your request in writing, sent to the mailing address set forth in the FAQ on our website. (Please note that accessing our website constitutes a grant of permission to add your name and email address to our newsletter mailing list.) Your written request must be accompanied by one of the following: (1) a letter from a licensed physician advising that you have a medical condition that does not permit you to receive newsletters, whether or not you (can) read them; (2) proof that you have moved your principal place of residence to a location more than 25 miles from the Internet; or (3) an affidavit, signed by you in the presence of a notary public, averring that you have irreversibly died.
by Matthew David Brozik, McSweeney's | Read more:
