During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”
I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years… then we met.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
Rodney Dangerfield (A True Original)
