Dear Polly,
This may be one of those "What’s my problem? IS this is a problem?" problems.
I’m 28 and I’ve been single for six years. Very single. As in, years going by where I didn’t have much sex and little to no romance at all. I would tell you about my last relationship but it’s not that interesting and to be honest I don’t think about it much. My parents fought a lot when I was little and drama ensued for many years, but we all love each other and are mostly nice to each other. Shit’s pretty healthy and I’ve worked hard to make it that way. I exercise and paint, I have a good job in public relations, I love my friends, and I think I’m basically pretty and nice and interesting enough. Someone described me as popular the other day (yes, apparently adults do use this word) and it made me feel really weird and kind of guilty, but I had to admit it’s true. Just not with men.
And the thing is, I love men. Being in a committed relationship, having a life partner and some babies with that partner, is important to me. Fun is also important to me, and meeting new people and being open. So in the abstract, either being in a serious relationship or dating sounds good, but I just find the whole thing so, so stressful. I never even get close. I think it’s because as a kid I felt alone, so I thought a lot about finding the person who was my love and best friend forever but now it’s like I can’t get involved with someone without it feeling like a big deal. And by involved I mean, go on more than two dates. For six years.
I don’t want to be this way. I believe that even if some man broke my heart I would be fine. Look, I just typed it! My problem is I can’t stop freaking out. I love how you so often tell people to just chill out. I totally think you’re right, we tend to make problems for ourselves and overdo it on the being-in-control thing. But how do I not do that?
I made a list of the ways I’m weird which are preventing me from finding someone who really likes and understands me, then deleted the list because I realized I sound just like everyone else (probably there are men out there who like tequila and art museums and hockey). I know this is probably the most banal asking-for-advice letter ever, but being single is this big thing making me unhappy and I blame myself. Some things are just better with a boyfriend, like adopting a puppy and traveling to Asia and having sex and becoming a famous painter.
How do people meet each other and balance a reluctance to get involved with an inflated conception of love? How can I get myself to date someone who doesn’t immediately seem perfect? How can I practice relaxing so that my life is more interesting and I can get closer to having love like I always wanted? Do you think I am crazier than I’m admitting?
Very truly yours,
Locked Up Abroad
This may be one of those "What’s my problem? IS this is a problem?" problems.
I’m 28 and I’ve been single for six years. Very single. As in, years going by where I didn’t have much sex and little to no romance at all. I would tell you about my last relationship but it’s not that interesting and to be honest I don’t think about it much. My parents fought a lot when I was little and drama ensued for many years, but we all love each other and are mostly nice to each other. Shit’s pretty healthy and I’ve worked hard to make it that way. I exercise and paint, I have a good job in public relations, I love my friends, and I think I’m basically pretty and nice and interesting enough. Someone described me as popular the other day (yes, apparently adults do use this word) and it made me feel really weird and kind of guilty, but I had to admit it’s true. Just not with men.And the thing is, I love men. Being in a committed relationship, having a life partner and some babies with that partner, is important to me. Fun is also important to me, and meeting new people and being open. So in the abstract, either being in a serious relationship or dating sounds good, but I just find the whole thing so, so stressful. I never even get close. I think it’s because as a kid I felt alone, so I thought a lot about finding the person who was my love and best friend forever but now it’s like I can’t get involved with someone without it feeling like a big deal. And by involved I mean, go on more than two dates. For six years.
I don’t want to be this way. I believe that even if some man broke my heart I would be fine. Look, I just typed it! My problem is I can’t stop freaking out. I love how you so often tell people to just chill out. I totally think you’re right, we tend to make problems for ourselves and overdo it on the being-in-control thing. But how do I not do that?
I made a list of the ways I’m weird which are preventing me from finding someone who really likes and understands me, then deleted the list because I realized I sound just like everyone else (probably there are men out there who like tequila and art museums and hockey). I know this is probably the most banal asking-for-advice letter ever, but being single is this big thing making me unhappy and I blame myself. Some things are just better with a boyfriend, like adopting a puppy and traveling to Asia and having sex and becoming a famous painter.
How do people meet each other and balance a reluctance to get involved with an inflated conception of love? How can I get myself to date someone who doesn’t immediately seem perfect? How can I practice relaxing so that my life is more interesting and I can get closer to having love like I always wanted? Do you think I am crazier than I’m admitting?
Very truly yours,
Locked Up Abroad
by Polly Esther, The Awl | Read more:
