Just the other day, a family member revealed to me that a longtime friend of hers confessed his multi-year love for her. Without hearing any other details, I immediately knew that wasn’t going to go well for him. It didn’t.
I see this ALL the time. You know the trope. Escalating too quickly. Coming on too strong. This is a skill issue, and I want to talk about why it’s such a vibe killer and thwarts what might otherwise be successful pursuits, both for men and for women.
Bitch Don’t Kill My Vibe
Escalating too quickly is a bad tactic for two reasons. First, if there is romantic potential, it overwhelms the connection before it’s mature enough to support that kind of load. Second, if there is no mutual connection, it nukes existing dynamics and causes people to see you differently. It creates consequences. Sometimes benign, but frequently bad! Lost friendships, disrupted social groups, etc.
For all our collective obsession with rom com meet cutes, attraction isn’t something that strikes two people like a lightning bolt at the same time. Instead, it grows inside each individual at its own pace.
Even among established friendships, it’s very easy to push too suddenly. You might’ve developed feelings over years, but that was happening in your head. If your interest isn’t signaled externally and mutually reciprocated, they might still be on day one.
This is Why Flirting Exists, Actually
This is the whole purpose of flirting! Flirting is tossing someone a consequence-free softball. They can hit it back, or they can let it go by, guilt-free.
That second part is super important. Skillful flirting gives the other person an out. It needs to be “plausibly deniable.” Immediately asking someone out forces everyone to put their cards on the table right away. But most people hate that. It requires them to be vulnerable and take a risk. There is no ambiguity nor graceful retreat.
What works much better is a genuine compliment. If you find something that you sincerely like or appreciate about someone, that sends the ambiguous signal that you a) romantically admire them from afar and are open to growing your relationship deeper or b) you authentically value your present relationship with them and need nothing more. The value lies in the ambiguity. You give the person the opportunity to choose their own adventure.
The key is being tactful while giving the other person a consequence-free out.
Ambiguity is only the starting point, though. Each time they hit the softball back, you get to throw the next one a little harder and with clearer intention. By the time anyone actually asks the other person out, the answer should basically be known. The ask should almost be a formality.
by Connor Daly, The Friendship Engineer | Read more:
Image: uncredited
